being alone

"I remember when I used to think I liked being alone, but lately being alone is just.... lonely." I felt that way today, and I posted such on my facebook status. I hope people won't take it as a sob story or anything, because I think it's more of a shift in state of mind. Right now I feel lonely, something I've felt fairly often this past week, and especially this weekend. It was finals, people were busy studying and taking tests, others were headed home as soon as possible, my roommate and best friend recently acquired a girl friend (and spend all his time with her, not me), other people had family gatherings and the like, but the bottom line for me was, I didn't. I studied a little, hung out with some friends from time to time, but I also did a lot of nothing. Countless hours playing Star Wars Battlefront:2 and significantly less hours taking tests created many times where I was alone.

Being alone is great, you can think clearly, you can relax. I love just listening to background noises, especially out in nature, the whisper of the wind, rustle of leaves, and enjoying having nothing around. In high school I also used to love watching everything around me. Just sitting quietly on a bench, listening to my friends talk to each other, so despite being with them I was often alone in my own world.

This weekend I'm housesitting at my aunts house while they're in CA for the holiday break. I was somewhat anxious to leave my friends in Provo and head down here so I left our little game night early and got here around 9:30. I started doing my wash and watched some ESPN... then I realized how lonely I was.

I love being with people, in some ways I've noticed it's like a drug to me. When I'm with lots of people talking and having a good time I get excited, I talk a lot, I get way into things and become overly dramatic about a lot of random stuff. Mostly I just smile a lot and laugh, laughing and smiling until my cheeks and stomach hurt. I have a few select people that I really love being with, and I LOVE to be really mean to them. I know sounds crazy, but that's what I do, I make ridiculously sarcastic and mean comments to all of my closest friends, which other people laugh or are shocked at, but those involved know how much I actually love them.

For the past while I've been feeling more and more distant from my friends, even when we're together I often feel alone... kind of like I'm going back to high school and I'm just observing them. I feel there are a number of very intertwined reasons for this, but I'm not going to discuss that now. For now it is late, and I am going to sleep in this big, dark, empty house.

Guesses or Predictions

I was just looking around at some random stuff about College Football (which I love) and I found this picture. It is SI's pre-season edition, giving a rundown of top teams, bowl predictions, etc. I thought it was very interesting to compare the pre-season rankings to season ending rankings, and I thought I might include that here:

	SI's Prediction		Final Ranking
1	Florida		5
2	Texas		2
3	Oklahoma		NR
4	USC		NR
5	Virgina Tech		12
6	Ole Miss		NR
7	Oklahoma State		21
8	Alabama		1
9	Boise State		6
10	Ohio State		8
11	Oregon		7
12	Georgia Tech		9
13	LSU		13
14	Penn State		11
15	Georgia		NR
16	Florida State		NR
17	TCU		3
18	Oregon State		16
19	Utah		23
20	North Carolina		NR

All of this becomes even more interesting when you compare the opposite direction, what currently ranked teams weren't even on this preseason list (#14 through #25 all weren't included with the exception of Utah and Oklahoma State). And we can see that there was some significant shaking of the BCS, but not by the teams SI predicted (they had 4 covers released regionally for Oregon, Ole Miss, Oklahoma State and Penn State), of which only Oregon ended up in the top 10, but teams like TCU and Cincy.

Of course predictions are often wrong, and they couldn't see some random events like BYU's upset over Oklahoma or their loosing Sam Bradford (twice). From little things like 'Bama's two blocked kicks over LSU, to big ones like Stanford taking over the Pac-10 late in the season and USC falling to dust. Only time can truly tell the future, but I guess it is still fun to make guesses.

Speaking of which I will now offer my predictions on this years biggest bowls (for the BCS and MWC):
Championship:
. Alabama (Texas has been playing worse and getting lucky)
Tostitos Fiesta:
. TCU (Can't get through the D, can't stop the offense)
Rose Bowl:
. Oregon (their team synergy has only grown bigger since beating 6 ranked teams this season)
Allstate Sugar:
. Florida (got off their game, but I believe they can get back on it for Tebow's final hurrah)
FedEx Orange:
. Georgia (I really wanna pick Iowa, but they really lost their umph since QB Stanzi went out
Las Vegas:
. Brigham Young (Oregon State, seriously?)
Pointsettia:
. Utah (Cal's had a serious falling out this year)
Armed Forces:
. Huston (again, I'll be rooting for AFA, but being a non-AQ and being consistently ranked says alot)
New Mexico:
. Wyoming (why not? ;-)

First things first: Football. I love BYU. I also love Max Hall and everything he stands for... for the most part. I don't hate EVERYthing about Utah, but for the most part. But seriously, whoever created these shirts... genius. I am very glad that BYU will be playing in the Las Vegas Bowl again, and I have good faith that we can beat Oregon State. I am also stoked for TCU vs. Boise State, Utah vs. Cal, 'Bama vs. Texas..... oh bowl season fills my soul with such joy.

Alright, secondly: dating. I know what you're thinking, I'm beating a dead horse, seriously though. I have recently performed a neat little social experiment from which I learned a great deal, and I wish to share. Now I say experiment meaning that I tried something that I had not previously done, not to say that I was doing it for 'pure science' or my heart wasn't in it. To claim such would be untruthful and unfair to the parties involved. I recently began to engage in a relationship and did so in a way that I have never done before (and I think most guys haven't). I met a girl, thought she was pretty tight, and wanted to get to know her better; I then had and took some chances to do so: took her on a date, hung out with her fairly often, and even had near daily chats on facebook (it's the daily part there that's important, not the facebook part). I made it quite obvious to her that I was interested with very little shying away or hiding that fact, not only she was aware of my interest, but surely her whole apartment (and half the ward as well). While there were those girls that I talked to about this, I never actually sought any advice from anyone, especially from her roommates, hoping to be able to make the correct decisions on my own. I tried to avoid the whole 'tell a friend so they tell a friend who tells a friend who lets her know that I like her' and went for a 'I'll tell her myself' kind of approach.

After several weeks of trying to take her on dates and getting to know her a fair amount, one evening I came straight out and told her, 'I kinda like you' after which I quickly corrected myself and said, "I like you.." and something about I'm interested in going on more dates with you and getting to know you a lot more... I don't think she was so surprised to know that as she was that I actually said it to her, but I suppose she accepted and expected my strangeness in the matter, saying that she wasn't necessarily opposed to the idea, but wasn't really sure, and wanted to just see where things went, giving it more time... something like that.

So here is my first mistake: I wasn't clear on what I wanted. It seems that she interpreted 'I like you' as 'I want to date you' which, although not wholly false, was not my intention at all. Do I blame her? No. It was my own fault in not being clear and now my 20/20 hindsight has allowed me to see that I was so unclear because at the time I didn't know what I wanted. Honestly our conversation never needed to be had, I was so caught up in the novelty of being honest and straightforward that I failed to realize or think through just what I was doing.

So a week goes by (Thanksgiving, we didn't see much of each other) and a couple of days later she initiates a walk, we talk, she says, "I just don't see it going anywhere..." and shoots me down in such manner. We talked a lot though, not discussing our relationship, but just talking (like I had wanted to do from the beginning) and very much agreed that we needed to still be friends (and just friends). So it ended... and then there were a couple of awkward days where I knew that I wasn't interested in her, but I didn't know if she understood that I had gotten over it that quickly. So I wanted to talk with her and be friends, but I didn't want her to think I hadn't gotten the hint and was still trying to pursue her, but being quite sick of DTR's with her I didn't want to have to go on another walk so I let it slide, had a couple awkward days, and now things are clearing up and we're friends again. life is good.

The final couple things I learned from this are about taking time, allowing things to happen a little more naturally, and of course knowing what you really want/think/feel before trying to tell others about it. I think that I tried to make something happen when things were perfectly content they way the were. It's like a huge container of water, it's hard to spill it if it's not full, but once it is full a good bump will spill it all over.... I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it does in my mind. Another point of interest is how in the first couple weeks of being interested in her I felt really annoying, like I was pestering her, and being nosy and such. I think I had this feeling that I had to get to know her quick, that I had to do all I could as soon as I could to develop a relationship etc. because if I didn't right away then she was going to find someone else, and start dating them. Perhaps for the first time in my life I felt competitive over a girl (yay for experimentation). I don't think that it was a positive influence on the outcome, so I'll try to maintain a much more open mind, and not be so set on my own agenda form the start. That's about it I suppose... this post is much too long.

emo day!

There comes a day in every young man's life that he just has to sit down and listen to some Dashboard Confessional... Today is that day (okay, so maybe one of the many of mine, but still). There's not one particular reason for my emo-ness today, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I keep meaning to write in here, but nothing I think about stays in my mind long enough to be transferred to type. Some of my thoughts recently though include:

-Fair-weather fans whom I hate. Not just those who leave a game with 5 minutes to go, but those who only cheer for winning teams in general, sure we have a national recognized football team, but what about our women's volleyball team or cross country, they rock too and deserve to be cheered for just as much.

-Hearing really awkward clips of conversations of random passerbys. Things like, "...pills and it's like drug use..." or "... buy a new baseball bat, come over to your house and beat you with it!"

-Dating... yes girls and their ever complex minds still intrigue me, as do my own reactions to them.

-Surprised at how much I didn't really miss my friends over the thanksgiving break, not that I don't love them, but I just enjoyed being with my family so much that I kinda forgot to think about my super awesome friends (who I believe were equally absorbed into their family activities).

and I've been thinking about myself a lot lately too. Thinking about how cool I am, about the cool stuff I've done lately, about the cool classes I'm taking or will be taking, about how arrogant I am and how obnoxious I must seem to others, how much I talk when I shouldn't and keep silent when I should talk, how I'm dirt poor, how life's quickly escalating complicatedness is by far a much larger foe than I could ever hope to defeat.... hence the emo. w00t.

yes, this is me playing frisbee on the beach ^_^

And this is an 'A' for Ako (tagalog for 'me') Awesome, Ace, and an all around nice guy ;-)

Dating vs. Hanging out

I held a facebook discussion recently. Please see the below note and ensuing comments.

Dating versus Hanging Out

the conclusion for me was basically this: communicate. If everyone is perfectly clear in all they say, and communicates what they truly mean then most problems would be solved.

Silence Resolves Nothing. hu.

Silence Resolves Nothing

I realized that this is somewhat of a dramatic blog, probably unnecessarily so. But I write when I'm emotional, and lame drama gets my blood pumping, sorry. I have a lot that I want to write right now, but I feel constrained 1) complaining never helped anything 2) I think that I need to maintain a higher level of fidelity in my relationships. Always venting to a computer helps your interpersonal skills zero, so I guess I'll have to force myself to talk to real people.

Lately I feel that my life has been a little too full of this melodrama that's been consuming me, but I am realizing that it is be cause I keep talking to other people, not involved, asking advice, getting opinions, formulating ideas and plans, but it doesn't help. The drama is still there. Hence the title of this post, "Silence resolves nothing" and as long as I don't talk to those actually involved with the situation then it will never change... *sigh* I'll have to suck it up and get on that now.

I actually just had a chance to talk with this person, but I didn't, and now I'm regretting it, but not sure if I really am.... oh gosh I'm weird. I'm actually considering not posting this, but then why would I have a blog to type, but not to post? I think not. :-D I'ma gonna sleep and work on this tomorrow now.

The Best Bad Day

Today could have been the worst day ever... it's 12:07 am, I just got home from campus, and I'm making Western Family Macaroni and Cheese for dinner. I recently spent 5.5 hours in one chair, staring at a computer screen, editing a horribly filmed movie.
Earlier in the day I had spent 2 other hours in the same chair, editing the same movie.
A girl of my dreams canceled our noon-date to the MOA (I love the MOA...)
I got a 69% on my religion test (that puts my testimony at about a C-)
I have a huge and rather hard test for my Electrical & Computer Engineering class tomorrow. Today I had no time to study for it.
I hate the library, not that it's a bad place, I just avoid going there to study. Today I spent half of my waking hours there... I think I want to cry, not even kidding.

Why wasn't today the worst day of my life?
I talked to the girl of my dreams (I know, call me a sap, but those ten minutes did make my day that much better)
I wasted an hour talking with an old friend... a good hour.
I got to talk about sailing for half an hour :-) I love sailing.
I got to iChat with my little sister K.com (she gave me some instructions on video editing)
I used Final Cut Pro on a MacPro ^_^
I am currently listening to the new Dashboard CD, eating Mac&Cheese, and talking with the ever beautiful Katherine Alice Affeltranger. w00t

I ended up with a 75% on that ECEn test, and our movie won 3 awards at our ward Oscar's night; best visual effects, best costume design, best actress, w00t

Stereophonic...

I like music. Not only is it music that I like, but I like sound. It bothers me when watching a movie and the surround sound setting aren't adjusted properly, I love to adjust my equalizer settings all the time for every song, so that it sounds just right. Recently I've been comprimising a LOT on my love for proper sounds. I have an old pair of Apple Ear Buds that I got with my first iPod (a green 4GB mini) that have been through a lot, to the point the cover is sliding off and wire is exposed around the junction. I have a second pair that I picked up somewhere along the way that were equally hashed (including having been through the wash). I have been consistently using the ones that were physically intact (that is the ones w/o exposed wiring) despite their lack of quality sound. The left ear driver was messed up going through the washer and couldn't produce any quality sound (is lost it's bass register), but I settled for it supposing the exposed wires to produce an even worse sound. Last week I lost this faulty pair of earbuds, and today I started using the exposed wire ones (with some clear tape surrounding the junction of course...) and I found that they work great! I could hear stereo again! I watched an episode of Glee and the talking had spacial relativity, the transition sounds were off in the distance, bouncing right to left, what a marvelous experience!! I was so happy I listened to music not only for my whole free hour, but throughout my physics class too!

I was impressed to see how much a good pair of head phones can change your musical experience, something I always knew, but perhaps never appreciated. It makes me think that someday perhaps I will go the whole 9 yards and get myself a $50+ pair like these Skullcandy babies here... For now, I'll stick with the earbuds with exposed wires.

go stereo!

two princesses

One, two, princes kneel before you
(thats what I said, now)
Princes, princes who adore you
(just go ahead, now)

Have you ever had a choice to make, a choice between to good things, trying to accurately pick the 'best.' Choice A seems logical, convenient, and increasingly acceptable day by day. Choice B seems a little more difficult to attain, something that will force me to go out of my way and will probably take quite some time. It seems obvious, no? Go with choice A, the path of least resistance, right? However... I've had a nagging feeling that I really should choose B, a thought that's been in the back of my mind since..... February? It's kind of hard to ignore, but it's almost harder to follow it!!

My final reasoning is that I cannot every be satisfied with anything until I have done B, whether it works out or not. Assuming that A is in fact the 'best' answer I can only prove that by first choosing B. B must be carried through, hopefully I have the courage to do it.

thanks for reading <3

5:39 pm

What's with the absolutely random timing of the playing of the Star Spangled Banner on campus!!?! it started at like 5:37... lame.

Last night I pondered myself. I think that I am being too much of 'Sting' and not enough 'michael'. I know that period is supposed to go inside of the quotes, but I don't want it to be.

I found that I am very fearful of many things, so fearful that I give up before I even get started... something that is going to have to change.

I have very high hopes for the future, and this homecomming week at BYU is super fun, with lots of activities and on Saturday, ESPN's College Game Day is coming here!! It's gonna rock my socks :-D

These feelings I'm feeling

Since beginning my last post I have struggled with defining how I feel about people I know not of my faith. I have given it much thought, and explored my feelings deeply. I have several friends who are not 'mormon,' and I took into account experiences with all of them that allowed me to develop my ideas here. I will try to be very generic in this analysis, but hopefully you can all still understand what I'm trying to say.

First of all, I do not think that this is a feeling that is possessed solely by me, I think this same feeling is experienced by people all over the world, any one person with a good friend, with said friend making decisions contrary to what said person thinks is "right." People are often afraid to offend their friend, such offense rising from one person trying to 'force' the other to do certain things. I say 'force' because they usually don't mean it that way, but are afraid of having their intentions come off that way. People are afraid to ruin their good relationship, a fear driven by not know what their friends reaction might be. So is it fear?

Despite any fear, such a person would continue to have a desire to talk to their friend about religion or making 'better' decisions. This desire (I think) is driven partialy by guilt. They feel guilty that by saying/doing nothing they aren't fulfilling their belief or duty to their religion and thence they feel guilty toward their religion/belief for such betrayal. A second reason for their desire could be because of their sincere belief in this religion, not so much guilt for not sharing, but a robotic programmatic response ('zombie' like you might say) that zealots of certain religions obtain through complete devotion to their religion.

Another (related) reason for their desire could be out of genuine concern/love for their friend. For me, there are a few things in this world that I love above everything else, and I love them because they fill me with joy and make this life worth living. First is the gospel of Jesus Christ (and ever family, friend, truth thing pertaining thereunto). Second is skiing. Finally is Apple computers (awesome technology in general). For me, the joy that I get from these three is enough to cause me to want to share these things with my best friend. When I love someone I want to share with them my greatest joys so they too can be joyful. I am please to report that my current direct link converts (those I've converted, not converts of converts) to skiing number around six, and to Apple around five :-) (Having spent two years doing nothing but 'converting' people to the gospel, my number there significantly higher). The point being that wanting to share joy is a valid reason for having a desire to share religion with your friends.

It goes on in an eternal balance your desire to share counter balanced with your fear of their unknown reaction. And I think for myself the only way to resolve this dilemma comes in the form of a question: Would I still be friends with them if I knew that in the end they would never join the church? Regardless of the fact that we cannot predict the future, lets assume we can, and say that the future says that friend will never share the same beliefs or live the same standards as said person, are you still friends with them?

For one friend of mine, she was never a member of my church, she never shared standards, though she was an overall 'good person'. I do not fear offending her because our relationship was never based in the church. Another friend I made in Washington was in my ward there. Since our parting he has left the church, and I have little desire to see him again, simply because our original connection no longer exists. Finally the friend who sparked this train of thoughts, though our original connection was through the church, or friendship developed over a long period of time and transcended, religion, age, or sexual preference.... Some friends really are forever.

If you read all of that, I'm impressed, if you feel like you just wasted ten minutes of your life please let me know and I'll do my best to get it back to you ;-)

Photons

I didn't cry when my I found out my grandpa died (though I did at the funeral).
I didn't cry when my first 'love' broke up with me (though I wanted to).
I didn't cry when I got fired from the best job ever.
I didn't cry when my girlfriend of five months broke up with me.

I did cry after seeing my best friend for the first time in a year.

Over this past year he's led a life that I don't agree with, a lifestyle that he actually begun about four years ago. He turned 23 this week, making it four years since he turned 19 and decided not to go on a mission, about a year later he turned 20, and turned gay. A bounce house of events moved him from SUU to UVU, back home to Elk Ridge, and finally up to UofU. I saw him a year ago when I first came back down to Utah for school, and hadn't seen him since though we have continued to acknowledge each others existence through facebook, commenting on statuses and pictures and the like.

Yesterday, I went up to Salt Lake (Sugarhouse to be exact) and visited him at his work (Olive Garden). I went at a slow hour so he has plenty of time to talk with me, we talked about school, classes, majors, how different life is now than in high school. We didn't really talk about anything super important, but we talked, and that is what I feel was important. Another old friend of ours works there at the same place, she gave me dinner and cheese cake for free (I will forever love you Loni for that), and I left. I got in the car, started driving home, thinking about how much I fun I'd just had and within six blocks I was crying. I honestly don't know why. I suppose it was partly because I was so happy to have seen them, partly because I was again remembering my great love for them, and perhaps partly I was sad that we weren't better friends.

I want to let it be know that I do not find fault in him, I do not feel betrayed or that he is a bad person. Simply stated, my own beliefs in the gospel of Jesus Christ tell me that the decisions he has made are not the ones that will bring greatest happiness, but I do not expect anyone else to live their life by what I believe, they would then be living my life, and that would just be weird, I believe in agency .... more on that subject: next post.

The Story of Some Talents

I once knew a pair of twin sisters who loved to dance. These sisters, Amy and Emily, had gotten into clogging while they were still pretty young and by high school they were on teams that toured around and they had not only become very good at dancing, but they grew more and more in love with dancing. I met these two in our freshman year at college and they were on some dance team, practicing often and having awesome performances. I was friends with not only Amy and Emily, but also their four other roommates, a handful of some of the funnest people I've ever met. I would often spend my days hanging out at their apartment, doing homework, talking nonsense, doing dishes... you know it's only been four years since then, but I have a hard time remembering just what it was I was doing there. I remember it was relaxing to be at their apartment, I felt at home.

Something I will probably always remember though, was once sitting idly in their kitchen while Emily was cooking some food. As she stood at the stove stirring her noodles (or whatever it was she was cooking) she was softly bouncing as her toes and heels tapped out rhythms from their dance routine. For me it was a small indication of just how much these girls LOVED to dance, more than anything else, and how it permeated their entire lives. I went to a large dance show that winter 'Christmas Around the World' and as I watched them dance I couldn't imagine them being any happier. Their smiles were just so huge and full of joy.

Yesterday I went to the dance devotional and saw them again dancing some amazing pieces, again with engaging and full smiles permanent on their faces. It really made me enjoy the performance that much more because I felt like I really knew how much they were enjoying the performance, and also how much work, effort, and practice they had put into it. I began to reflect on other people I know that shine while performing and I could recall various others who when dancing, singing, acting, or even cooking, would grown between their ears the largest and fullest smile possible. Such a smile is contagious I think, and blesses those who see it.

I think there is a lesson to be learned here about sharing talents. If there's something that you love that much, and you can do it at a performance level then it can truly become a great blessing to those you share it with. Perhaps hidden away in us all is the happiness of doing what we love and it is my prayer today that we can discover it, do it, and use it to bless others.

p.s. in the first picture Amy is the first full face you can see on from the left, and in the second she's up and to the right of the guy right in the middle. I guess she's more photogenic, I couldn't find any pictures of Emily, and actually another of their roommates, April, is also in the ensemble now.

just don't know

Sometimes I get really frustrated with catch 22 type situations, sometimes though I enjoy the futility, weird I know.

I was not as impressed with BYU's offense as the general fandom of Provo. They only scored 21 points in the first quarter because the defense prepackaged and gift wrapped each touchdown for them. But it is a pretty good consolation for me that our defense is that good.

I have been having trouble with α, β, and γ. No, that's not a, b and y, it's alpha, beta, and gamma, and not I haven't really been having trouble with the Greek alphabet, but rather people who I have chosen to label symbolically rather than with their true names. Needless to say, they have been causing me a lot of stress and worry, and the worst part is I really can't do much to fix it.

I passed my physics test last week, I forgot to take my math test.

I need to find a story written by George Durrant, and it's not anywhere on LDS.org nor to be found in a google search. Sad day.

I haven't written in my blogg for a long time, but I really wanted to write something... yay for life.

Simplicity in Society

I have had many a thought about this, and today I wish to put my thoughts on to paper. I have discovered the addicting draw of facebook's ever popular 'Like' button. (And just a side note, it bothers me a lot that the word facebook isn't in my computer's dictionary.... oh, just fixed that one). For those of you less familiar with facebook, the 'Like' button is just a little button you can click in reference to any thing someone else has posted, a picture, a comment, a story, really anything that happens on facebook you can 'Like' it. Other options include making a comment, you could also write on someone's wall, or even send them a personal message. I believe that I have just ranked these actions based on the likelihood of being done, you only send a personal message if you feel it very important to convey specific information to certain people, a wall message is a social move that could engage a electronic conversation, then a comment is something that many people may reply to or make additional comments too, however the expectation for such is much lower. Finally the 'Like' button is something you can do, allowing a person to see that you have read thier post, seen thier pictures, and you enjoyed it however this leaves you with no social obligation to explain why you like it, to try to be funny, to try and begin a conversation... anything at all, it's extraordinarily non-committal. In fact, I would almost go as far as to say it is quite empty, a lower form of communication than even the 'high-five.'

I'm not saying I'm against 'Liking' things; no, no, I do it all the time, and I love it when people 'like' my stuff. Granted I am much more pleased to see actual comments and the occasional wall post for me, but all the same I believe the 'Like' button has found its useful niche in conveying vague interest but without the binding commitment of a conversation. I think that this point is somewhat proven by the fact of it's existence, and furthermore by it's seeming popularity of usage. I do however wonder if that is a good, bad, or even if it could be considered a societal trend at all. That trend would be the decreasing person relationships and drifting toward more empty, ambiguous, and noncommittal modes of communication.

I find it interesting that people I met in high school, but were never really friends with I can 'Like' things they do, and they to me, and yet our lack-of-an-actual-friendship continues, it amuses me.

here's some other ideas on the subject: Wall Street Journal and Elder Bednar

thoughts on the meaning of: Love

About a month ago I had a long (17hr) drive to entertain myself through, and I choose to listen to the book on CD, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (that's the seventh and final book, fyi). Sadly that book is much longer than 17 hours, and I didn't get a chance to read the rest of it until about a week ago. As I finished the book one evening I took interest in the attitude of Harry towards death, pain, and torture. For Mr. Potter it was not a bad thing to die, it was not hard to endure painful attacks and physical torture. It really hardly affected him at all. What did have a profound effect on him was the suffering and torture of his close friends and loved ones. An interesting theme in our modern media. Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 3 does all he can to avoid allowing his enemies to learn his true identity, preserving (he hopes) his wife's safety. I think that most people, despite their outward appearance or showing of selfishness, would act similarly valuing the safety of those they love above themselves, for that I believe is the definition of love. If there is a person that you are pained to see suffer, it's quite clear that your affections for them high, high enough to the point of being called love. It was later that night, after I had finished the book (don't worry everyone, Harry wins, in case you were wondering) that I talked with a friend that was suffering, having a bad day, and in need of a friend. Being aware of this friend's suffering and knowing there was simply nothing I could do one way or another to help alleviate it in anyway caused me to feel quite sad indeed. I began to realize the truthfulness that J. K. Rowling had endeavored to capture in what seems to be one of the central themes of Harry Potter, true friendship, and perhaps the true meaning of love.

I have had an interesting experience myself with the word love. Growing up I had the greatest friends a boy could ask for. I kid you not in any way, I would guess that the cumulative amount of true friendship that I had (the quality and the quantity) surpasses that of anyone reading this blog. Not that I'm bragging, I didn't have anything to do with it, the Lord gave them too me. I was forced away from those friends at the height of our friendship, and it was only then that I realized my love for them. Having know them for ~13 years, I realized that I had never once told any of them that I love them. After that I signed all my letters, "Love, Michael" and I began to let them know that I did in fact love them as much as possible. When I finally gained the opportunities to be with them again, I found that the phrase "I love you" became a common line in my vocabulary. Since then I have continued to use that phrase, and although sometimes with less or more meaning, I do not say it lightly, and those I say it to are those I would risk my life for.

I feel like I have more to say, however I cannot think of just what more to add here... friends, I love you.

Day 7

Sunday:Boeing
My family was invited to attend Boeing Family days from my Sisters in-laws, the Grahams. We left after church and went to the Everett Boeing Factory, the larges building (by volume) in the world! Where they have production lines for their 747, 777, and 787 among others. We got a little glimpse of the new, up and coming 747-8 a new aircraft to be released within the next year as well as the new 787 the first plane built with a carbon fiber fuselage. They told us that taking pictures was not allowed, but we all know how good I am at following rules so:

That green thing is the 747-8 in final inspection-->


and here's a 777 being sold to EVA air. EVA is a Taiwanese company that I actually rode to and from the Philippines \/

Day 6

Saturday: Movie Making
This actually only took about 2 hours to film all we needed and a couple hours on Sunday to clip it all together. ENJOY (click here to go to the YouTube file of this video)

Other than that I went shopping on Saturday, got some new white shirts for work, a black belt, and a new wallet. This time I didn't get a big thick, fill with junk wallet, but a small, simple, hold-your-ID-and-some-cash wallet. I'm really excited to start using it, it's just so nice and small and makes me happy ^_^

Day 5

Friday:.....
Okay, so my Friday was kind of a really lame day. I did take a bike ride around washington park... but I didn't take any pictures. During the day I sat on FB a lot, did some schedule rearanging for the school year, dropped classes, made my work schedule, etc. In the evening I went to spend some time with Randi and Renae Deighton. These twins are in my stake here in Washington, and I've had some great fun hanging out with them while we were all at BYU. It was fun to get away from my family for a little while and hang out with friends. The picture attached was taken from the top of my house, I did so in order to try to illustrate how close I live to the ocean, but you can't really see anyhow. That dark, double humped island in the background is... well, an island, separated from us by a couple hundred feet of ocean water... Here's a google map of my town, I live between the airport and Burrow's Bay. Anyhow, tomorrow will be much more exciting :-D

Day 4

Thursday: not camping
So today my mom wanted to go camping. There's a really nice state park nearby that she loves to visit and she wanted to go there, stay the night and come back Friday. Great plan except she didn't make reservations at the relatively small campground and we ended up going there, visiting the visitors center (a great place for visitors to visit... really), walking in the tidelands a bit and having a picnic lunch. Not bad for an afternoon. When Kacy got off work her and I went on a quick kayaking trip. We ran into a rather swelly ocean... at is an ocean with large swells, large for the Puget Sound at least, I think we saw some that were nearly three feet! something I've never really seen much of before hear since the area is so bay-y... or rather, has many bays. :-D

Day 3

Wednesday:Sailboats
I visited the Left Coast Development shop today, it is owned and operated by Jim Lee, aka my pointy haired boss (he's actually just mostly bald). He's a really funny and relaxed guy who decided to get into the boat building business. After one year of work they've yet to finish a boat, but they're getting close. In the mean time he's making money selling the 'Simple Stereo' which is a control box that you plug in a 12v battery, speakers, and your iPod and it plays music. Good for a car, boat, RV, or kayak (if you want to tow along a battery, which in my case is worth it for music, hehe). Anyhow, you can check out his website if you want to see picture of the boat he's building, "The Dart"

In the evening I went out with Jim in his J-35 sailboat and participated in the Anacortes Yacht Club weekly race. Jim isn't competitive since his crew consists of his wife, kids 3 (ages 15-9), and who ever he finds durring the week, but it's always fun to get out and sail. His boat is actually a racing boat and gets going quite fast. Despite only a small wind we had a great time sailing.

Day 2

Tuesday: beach combin'
So because of the exceptionally difficult morning going to the dentist and such my day was slightly dampened. Okay, mostly I was just lazy, couldn't eat so I didn't have energy, badda boom. We did got to the beach though where I took several pictures of my broha skim boarding and such.













So I did a lot of thinking today. I was driving my mom's honda Accord and as I left our driveway I tried to push the automatic transmission stick into neutral and jiggle it around (as I usually do with my car) and when it wouldn't budge to the side I remembered that it was automatic and not manual. Then I noticed the knob for adjusting the side mirrors, it was a very simple and easy to use knob, much nicer than the one on my car. This got me thinking of the perfect hybrid car. Taking elements from each of the cars that I drive I devised what would be the best car ever!

First, it's a manual, and it would drive just like my Mitsubishi, but then it has the space and seating of our Suburban with of course the gas mileage of our Prius. (Okay, I know that is so impossible right now, but this is a perfect car after all.) Then it would have the audio control system/capabilities of the Pruis with the sound system of the suburban. It would have adjustments and controls (seat position, mirrors, CC, brights, etc.) like the Honda (as well as the pick-up of the Honda) and a dash display like the Mitsubishi. Finally it would also be just as cute and fun-loving as my Mitsubishi. That's pretty much the perfect car, and I love it. The end.

A Week in WA: Day 1

So I'm visiting my family at our place of residence in Anacortes, WA. Here in A-Town there is a lot of crazy fun stuff to do I have therefore decided to give a little picture blogg of what I do. I'll call it A Week in WA and do a post everyday.

Day 1, Monday:
Arrived at the airport and drove home. Took a bike ride in the forest, went kayaking w/Gavin, later that evening we took the boat out, but just for a bit so I could get used to it again. Now that my parents believe I'm capable, I can take it out anytime this week :-D



Gavin and I just walked to the beach from our home with the kayak




This is our friend fredrick the Seal











My bike in the forest near the Beaver Ponds

Coleen

DSC_0028, originally uploaded by guywmurray.

My older sister got married last week. In true Murray fashion her reception was held at a beach, and here is one of the pictures they took just previous to the reception. I looked and looked for a picture that I wanted to post, but I couldn't find the one that was just right, Coleen has a really good (and permanent) fake smile that she uses for pictures. I guess her over-the-top photogenity is counter-ballanced by Bjorn's lack of enthusiasm for picture taking. I guess in that sense this picture is good in showing how well these two compliment and balance out each other.

tmi

I recently created a note on Facebook. It was one of those chain notes, answer the questions, tag some people and see the comments flow in. I chose to do this on a whim, quickly starting as I read a friend's who had tagged me. I choose 15 people based on what came to mind first which ended up being those who I had been in contact with in the past 24 hours (perhaps even in order from the most amount of time to the least). Then I proceed to answer questions, and as fate would have it, a majority of the more prying questions fell on people that there was actually information to pry about. I however maintained a steady policy of honesty, to the point of being blunt and possibly offensive at some points, revealing somethings that perhaps should have remained hidden.

I found it an interesting release for myself, despite being myself uncomfortable with some of the answers I gave, and fearful of what they may say to me after reading this note. I suppose I put a lot of trust in the tendency of people to assume that someone is kidding when they give cutting remarks, and while most who read this note will likely see my humor throughout, they will also notice that the comments are truthful. I'm not sure just what I think about the whole idea of exposing your heart and soul to anyone at BYU that is inclined to read my note. It creates an interesting feeling, and again, despite putting all truth that I could muster, even embellishing on many items to create an interesting read, I think many people will not consider at as serious or important as it was to me. That is a good thing in the end, I do believe.

I think many bloggs are the same way, the writing puts down random peices of their soul, often being very truthful and deeply minded as they write. While readers may skim over the piece, think it's interesting, maybe even eave a comment, but rarely, if ever, will they feel the full meaning that the writer felt (unless on the rare occasion the reader was some one also directly involved in the event blogged about). Writing allows a person to take thier time to put down their true thoughts and intentions. "Writing maketh an exact man," so says an inscription at the Library of Congress, and I believe it to be true.

Old Movies

I came home this afternoon and turned on the TV to relax a bit. I found USA's Bond Movie Monday was something I could do while I waited out the afternoon. Between eating, printing homework, and facebooking, I noticed that I recognized some of the actors. For instance: Valentine from Golden Eye is the same actor as Matsui in Ocean's 12 and is more commonly recognized as Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies, HA! Then Alec Trevelyan (006) is the same actor as Ian Howe, the bad guy in National Treasure, who you will also recognize as Boromir in LOTR. Yay for a movies :-D

Timeline

This may or may not be interesting to anyone I know, so if you don't like it don't read it.

The last 36 hours, starting early morning, Tuesday July 21st:
7:30am - phone rings, Dan needs me to cover for him at work from 8-2
8:02 - I log into the phone at ServerPlus, eat a banana and work...
2:15pm - finish a really annoying call, send an e-mail to my boss telling him I'm quitting
2:23 - eat two peanut butter breads
2:40 - get my music 101 test and start writing
4:28 - leave the testing center, deciding not to go to class
5:00 - get e-mail finding class was actually canceled
6:00 - go to intramural ultimate game
6:50 - won
7:20 - eat some more peanut butter bread and a quesadilla
9:02 - went to late night ultimate
10:10 - won
10:30 - watched a horrific collision between two frisbee players
10:37 - found Brett's tooth
11:08 - dropped off Brett at ER
11:40 - drank a glass of water
12:10am - see Brett in the hospital just after his CT scan
12:47 - buy food at Macey's
1:14 - turn off lights, lock doors at Brett's sister's house
1:50 - start on a walk with Kat
2:30 - meet Brett and Michelle at oral surgeon's office in N. Provo
2:45 - get really queasy watching Brett's teeth get moved around
3:16 - set up camp on pool deck, laptop, speakers, 4 pool chairs
4:00 - start watching "A Walk Through the Clouds"
4:23 - eat a muffin
5:50 - start watching "Return With Honor"
7:56 - made a video on my comp (see below)
8:20 - listen to Michelle talk to Brett's family on his phone explaining the situation
9:27 - eat a bowl of Fruit Loops
9:38 - shower & shave (finally!)
10:20 - Chris calls, I nearly fall asleep talking to him
3:40pm - Oscar wakes me up
3:45 - eat PB&J and a glass of apple juice
3:58 - show up in MFG 202
5:51 - now.

Repetition

One thing that many of us probably realize, is that Sunday School lessons are repetitive. Not each lesson on it's own, but really... they only publish four years worth of lessons, after that it repeats, not to mention we learn the same stuff in seminary/institute too. That's not to mention YM/YW lessons, which vary only slightly every year, and how many times have we had talks given in sacrament meeting that were simply readings of talks given previously. What I'm getting at is that lessons in the church are repeated fairly often through various means. It is easy to go into a lesson hear the topic, and quickly recall important ideas or even quotes that you've heard in previous lessons on the same subject, a good sign that you're building up a gospel knowledge database.

Today in class we had a lesson talking about Zion's Camp and how the Lord sometimes chastises his people, the reasons for afflictions, etc. and I someone sitting near me made an important comment (one that is fairly commonly used is such a discussion, but one that I think is important to the topic) she's heard at a different time about the three sources of trials, others, our selves, the Lord (the comment was significantly more elaborate than that, but you get the idea). A few minutes later in the lesson I glanced over her shoulder and noticed the notes she had been taking for the lesson. I found it interesting that a prominent feature in her notes was the idea that she herself had mentioned, this 3-source idea. I do not doubt it's importance, nor am I saying that it wasn't an insightful comment, however I did have to ask myself if that was a note work taking.

What is the purpose of notes? I would say, note taking is to help you remember ideas from a lesson. If she knew that thought, used it as a comment to the lesson, clearly understands and knows the concept... why take it down as a note? Isn't the point of a lesson to learn something new? If all we are remembering are some key points that really touched us in one lesson and retaining those same ideas over and over again after hearing the same lesson, then we aren't really learning are we? Shouldn't we look at every lesson as an opportunity for further learning, not just regurgitating the past? I'm not saying I'm perfect or that this girl was wrong, I just think that there were more important ideas that should could have noted as new or more interesting doctrine that perhaps came from another student with good insights, or perhaps even the teacher who's been set apart as a teacher and even is entitled to revelation on our behalf (to a point)? .... just a thought.

Perfect

I realize that perfection isn't really possible, and supposing it was actually possible it would still be infinitly hard to determine whether an even or day was 'perfect' since there are so many variables involved and so many different ways to judge something as perfect. As far as perfect days go, one mans party is another's prison, but for me, today was great. So great in fact I'm quite tempted to call it perfect (assuming that nothing horrible happens tonight) and heck, even this whole weekend is shaping up to be pretty freaking rockin'.

So let me explain. I was with my family at ranch in the middle of Duchesne County, I woke up around 6:30 this morning, I love early mornings, I'm a morning person, good moment. I stayed in bed 'til nearly seven then did a whole bunch of cleaning around the house putting chairs and tables away because we had to check out that morning. However after 45 min. or so of cleaning and getting ready to go I said good-bye to my few relatives awake at that time and took off. GoogleMaps says this drive is 2h45m however I made it in just over two hours. Only about an hour into my drive my gas light comes on. I know that means I should have about two gallons of gas left, meaning I should be able to go about 40 miles. So I resolve to stop as soon as I see a gas station. Not long afterwards I see a sign saying Heber is 48 miles away... hmm. I quickly lost hope in finding a gas station before Heber as the terrain I was crossing was quite deserted so I just kept hoping. Then came the glorious moment of reaching a sign saying "Summit 8020" meaning it was all down hill from there. I had gone about 38 miles at the point, but figured I could make it to Heber. 15 miles later I did, victory #1.

I got into Provo and had plenty of time to prepare for our ward activity. An activity that I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out. We filled up about 400 waterballoons and had purchased a large tarp for sliding on. I also go 15 extra large pizzas, and a couple of gallons of water. After a bunch of preparation I went to play frisbee. I LOVE FRISBEE!!! We had a good game, my team lost, but it was super fun and a bunch of my favorite frisbee friends came to play. Then the activity started, we ate pizza to our hearts content, then played a quick, silly game of capture the flag with waterballoons, a game of my own invention that ended up in a mass waterballoon fight to the enjoyment of all. With our remaining water balloons we played some WB-volleyball with towels. By this time some of our frisbee friends that weren't in our ward had come to join us, which made the whole activity SO MUCH FUN!! Maybe it was just be since I knew the guys, but I really loved it that topped of the activity for me.

Finally we had a huge slip'n slide down the grass hill which extended down across the dry creek bed, probably about 60 feet long! At first I was content with helping out, holding the corners down, manning the hose, giving suggestions, timing crazy racers etc. but eventually my comrades convinced me to get myself wet and slide down. It was awesome! Once getting over the initial strangeness of sliding down water sprayed plastic on your stomach it became one of the greatest activities I've ever done! Now that I had my feet wet, I went all in, and kept sliding over and over, on my back on my front, as a train, in a race and had the time of my life. We ended play a little sand volleyball, cleaned up and left.

I then proceeded to turn on music really loud in my apartment, showering, relaxing, and playing THPS 1 =] what a day!!

So other than my great elation and happiness over the day, I began to develop some interesting philosophical ideas about myself, including why today was such a great day. For those only interested in adventurous deeds, stop reading here.

This week I have been very busy with my few classes, catching back up on reading, as well as seeing Harry Potter 6 at midnight, and attending my family reunion as often as I could fit into my schedule to do so. For this cause I spent little or no time with my friends (a few of which were out of town themselves) and I felt separated from them, like I was missing out on a lot... or I was at least missing them. The sense of loss and longing only added to the exuberant joy when I saw them again today, which upon analyzing I found silly since I had only been gone for one day! I began to realize though why I love my friends so much, and that is because of their individual personalities that I know so well. I have some strange, some normal friends, some strange on the outside, others on the inside, and some while seeming strange at the first impression, turn out to be quite normal, while others that seem so normal are found to be very strange upon further investigation.

For what ever reason, my joy in being with them seems to stem from my enjoyment in predicting their behavior, corresponding to their strangeness or lack thereof. I'm not verbally saying "oh she's gonna do/say this next" but in my mind there are fewer and fewer surprises, and I love it. I think being with people that don't surprise you makes life more comfortable, you worry less, and I find it easier to be myself and enjoy myself when this is the case.

Bottom line, I like to analyze people and I think I'm pretty good at it. I also love my friends, and it happens to be time for me to go meet them again, gn&gl.

Razor

I have some guys I know that are a little crazy, all return missionaries, really great guys actually... but they've just gone a little off the deep-end (judged by 'normal' standards). I actually think they're smart, they don't let 'social norms' hold them back, they actively pursue ideas that may seem impossible or ridiculous to others. One of their ideas of late was to get Razor scooters, and go as far as they could in a day. They chose Mona, UT as a good destination and began to plan and publicize. When I first heard of the idea, I told them it wasn't possible, that their scooters would fall apart after only a few miles (Mona is about 40 miles from Provo). However when they day came of their unheard of journey I had somehow been pulled it.

Starting just past 8 in the morning from a house north of BYU campus, we Razored... down 9th East and onto State St. Arriving in Springville I was surprised, no broken scooters (well only one wheel had problems, but they had replacements), no broken bones, and a lot of enthusiasm from all participating. We continued on, south into Spanish Fork and down Main Street (really fun!) out past the Hari Krishna temple, and into Salem. Finally the magnatude of what we were doing began to set in, we weren't quite halfway there, and it was getting hot, and we were getting tired... However out designated spot of lunch lay just over one small hill (One Man Band in Payson) so we pressed on.

After a rejuvinating lunch and rest we all felt ready to continue on with high hopes of reaching Mona soon. However Spring Lake had it's own ideas for us. As we Razored past Spring Lake Elem. School (down a hill) we felt fine, and quickly hopped back on the highway to head into Santaquin. That simple stretch of road nearly killed us. At the top of the second, LONG hill we reached a yet unopened gas station, thirsting for cold water, we settled to sit in the shade of the building and began to doubt the plausibility of the ride ahead. The rough shoulder of the highway was no place for a scooter, vibrations disabling your fingers and slowing you down with every push... I was done, I just didn't think going over the several hills reamaining between Santaquin and Mona was worth it at all. Eventually we realized that no one was taking us home, and giving up just wasn't really an option (who wants to say that that *almost* Razored to Mona?) Moving on under the freeway and up Santaqin main, second west on the left, and straight on 'til Mona. The majority of the riders felt it better to walk up the hills, ride across the flat section at the top, then coast down the side, before picking up their scooters and walking up the next hill (only on guy actually rode up all the hills and he's a cross country runner). Three hills later we found ourselves in an endurance ride through the outskirts of Mona. Luckily the sun was low enough that any trees on the side of the road provided paradisaical shade and some smooth recently re-paved section of road made coasting possible and then suddenly in the distance the sign was seen, "Welcome to Mona" and we all crossed, collapsing thereafter to rest until our ride back to Provo showed up about 10 minutes later.

We'd Razored from Provo to Mona, a 40 mile trip, nearly an hour drive in a car, and it took us 10 hours. What an accomplishment, what a sense of fulfillment resonated within our group. Two of the riders were complete strangers to be in the morning, but we were great friends as we rode side by side for most of the last few miles. What many thought wasn't possible now was done, conquered, and the seed of a legend was planted.

Bring on the Rain

Today I took a drive. I would like to say that I just had nothing to do and a urge to burn gas so I drove around a bit, but that's not true. (I used to be able to like about simple things... I can't now). My sister Kacy was visiting and she needed to be taken to my other sister's (Coleen) house in Holiday, so I took the hour and a half to get her there. On our way there we saw a huge, dark cloud over Salt Lake City with quite the marvelous display of lightning. Not far into the valley we were greeted by the wind, dust, and eventually rain- rain that came down in intermittent sheets, like buckets being tossed out of a window above. We sat in the car in the pouring rain for a few minutes while waiting for Coleen to show up, then I left. It was about 8:30 pm as I was leaving, and while the storm clouds were still overhead the sunset in the west was peaking through creating a beautiful phenomenon known to most as a rainbow. Cursing myself for not having brought my camera I pulled into a radio shack parking lot to take a picture or two from my cell phone, then satisfied that I couldn't do much more continued driving home. Not long after, I saw in my rear-view mirror another beautiful scene as the sun, stretching across the entire valley was illuminating a now glowing neon green strip of the otherwise dull mountainside. Again overwhelmed with the beauty I had to take a picture. I soon pulled onto the freeway and began to drive when I noticed the far end of the rainbow I had previously seen. I followed its curvature as it faded into the storm overhead, but suddenly got starkly brilliant in one section before fading off above the ground. I quickly noticed that the same sun strip illuminating the hills behind were creating this disembodied arc-section of the rainbow. Both the far end and this small section were glowing so brilliantly, so bright, possibly the brightest I have ever seen. I note here my reaction, exclaiming out loud, "Oh my! That is BEAUTIFUL! It's- it's- the gospel must be true"

The depression of not having my camera was only deepened with the thought that I was alone in my car, a thought that goes deeper than just that moment since today I have felt very much alone. Tomorrow my roommate and best friend is going home for the summer, I will no longer have anyone to do everything with and am faced with the rigorous task of developing for myself new friendships, and deepening old ones. It's times like these when true character is displayed, and this week I have learned a little more about myself. Since Kacy was up for the week we had the chance to hang out a little bit, and more than once I chose to be with her, rather than enjoy time with my friends. While I was surprised after-the-fact at such a decision of mine, I wasn't at all saddened by it, nor regretful, but quite satisfied. Then again today in my moment of loneliness, having no one in the car with me I wanted to call a friend and share the moment, even if they couldn't see it. After a moments thought I knew who I wanted to call. (not just who I should or felt obligated to call, but who I really wanted to share this moment with... Erin Kristine Herd (my other, recently married sister). So I did, we talked, and it was good. I was truly able to share with her the moment, and she enjoyed it very much. These experiences have reminded me somewhat of who I am, I am a Murray, and I love my family. So bring on the rain, let the trials and loneliness roll, I have friends in high places who know when I need a rainbow. thanks.

simple pleasures

Yesterday and today I have been volunteering as a Y-Group Leader for Freshmen Orientation at BYU. It has been so much fun, but also very draining! My partner in leading is a cute girl that happened to also be in my math class last semester, it's been really fun to hang out with her, meet a bunch of freshmen, and walk around campus a bunch sharing knowledge. I just woke up from a 2.5 hour nap, and I am so happy. I get to go hang out with Megan again tonight, it's raining outside, and I am going to play starcraft, this day can't get much better ;-)

Art is...

This is going to be kind of long, so please bear with me. First I'd like to start off with an interesting view on art, as told by Jim Adkins of Jimmy Eat World in his blogg:

Jim: I don’t usually discuss what songs are specifically about. But I think Table is worth talking about because it can help explain why that is. I was working at an art supply store off and on in between Static Prevails tour legs. At the end of the month we would be instructed to rip off the covers of the magazines we didn’t sell and box them to be returned. Being a not so great-paying retail gig, the staff would have little remorse just taking the old zines. I would check out Flash Art and Blind Spot. I found myself liking Maurizio Cattelan’s stuff. It was engaging in a way I hadn’t expected. He was the first person I found presenting art in a way that got you to think about what art really is. 


The local art scene was totally different than the music scene. Working at the store helped me find out about openings and showings. My group of friends were living in the university area but no one was going to school. We would hit up any and all openings. It felt like we were infiltrating a secret society, taking all their free food and drinks. Once, one of my dance-based coworkers had a performance on the college campus. It was tied in with some other local people’s work. Some with visual art, some with human-involved installation pieces. While we were outside waiting for my friend’s dance piece to start, there was a girl cleaning the ground with the tail of an all white dress. I think I was the only one of us who noticed. She went behind us and across a courtyard very slowly until she got to a candle lit table that had already been set up. She just sat there picking out the dirt from her dress into a few dozen tumblers. It occurred to me this was intended to be art. I know that sounds funny. This image of her stuck with me and for a while I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t because I had been searching for some deeper meaning in why she was presenting her piece. It was because I realized it doesn’t matter why. This is the reason I usually steer conversations away from exact, specific explanations of lyrics and song-meanings: there is no correct way to interpret art. And there is no meaning more important or special than the one the listener/reader/viewer decides for themselves. 



He then goes on to talk about how this song just developed over time, creatively. I had read this once randomly through a Twitter link, but it stuck with me, I will probably always remember how he spoke of the meaning of art as no meaning at all. I feel that often in my life when I have tried to be artistic or done something creative, often there is simply too much meaning in what I have tried to do. Writing a song about a girlfriend, or an event. I try to make the song fit perfectly to the situation, and it just never turns out right. I think what I may be lacking is the concept of ‘based on’ where you don’t have to literally tell the story of something that already happened, but you can simply take the concept of it, and tell your own story. It may have the same beginning middle and end, but all the filler stuff is what you can make up, and what truly makes it an artistic endeavor.
So today I thought of it again, let me explain how this came about (I enjoy following the progress of my mind) First I was organizing my iTunes playlists. I get really annoyed when there are too many lists that you can’t really find the one you want, but today I discovered that you can make folders of playlists… so I put all my ‘classic playlists’ into a folder (labeled ‘Classics’ of course). Then I had more room to make a new playlist. I began to make a Car Dance playlist (possibly to be burned someday) for playing in the car and dancing to. It was comprised mostly of techno music, dance-pop and a couple rock songs. Since I was all over itunes I decided to look around the store when I noticed that a new music video was available from The Killers for one of their songs that I love, A Dustland Fairytale. I searched You Tube and found this beautiful video, and was naturally fully intrigued by the meaning behind it. As I watched a little ‘behind the scenes’ spot on it, I heard a quote saying the video was about such and such… which made sense, but to me it opened up my eyes to the idea that this video could mean anything you wanted it too. There is no official yes or no clear cut meaning, but it conveys feelings, attitudes, and emotions to us which we can then interpret for ourselves. Needless to say I was inspired and wrote this blogg.

Let the Sunset in!

"What did I tell you about this window.... Always leave it open!!" 10 points for getting that quote. Moving on, opening windows is a thought that I've been pondering today. A beautiful song I know says, "open the window, let the sunset in..." and it happens to not only be good advice on seeing some beauty in life, but it also a beautiful metaphor for an ending relationship. I believe that this is a great attitude toward life, not only accepting an end, but embracing it. I've recently gone through an ending relationship which has taken me some time to fully resolve within myself. Today I began to feel really good about just opening the window, and embracing the end... although maybe not just quite yet. It's hard to think of what was, and have that empty longing for what there could have been, however I look forward to many beautiful 'sunrays and saturdays' to enjoy with others, friends and lovers alike. Someday I suppose I could be good friends again with my former love (as of right now I'm pretty much avoiding everything about her, just to help me let go).

Some things just don't work out, despite all you put into it, all that you strive to develop and work out together... you find that it simply wasn't meant to be, so it has to end. In such a case there is no blame, there is no resentment, and once both sides can fully realize that neither blames either and truly admit that it just wasn't possible, then I think (I think) that it is perfectly possibly (even natural) to remain good friends. Clearly they have things in common, clearly they were friends before, just being out of a relationship shouldn't stop them being freinds. I do see though, the great importance of having the relationship comletely end before being friends. Today I simply feel that I have taken a good step in the right direction, embracing the end and realizing some of these truths. This song, illustrates much of what I feel today, 'Sunrays and Saturdays' by Vertical Horizon.

Where in the world is....

Today in my History of Creativity Class we discussed the Islam, and the Muslim explosion that took over the civilized world through the dark ages of Europe. We discussed how Spain was controlled by Muslims far into the middle ages and we learned of many of thier influences, one of which was The Alhambra, a palace/fortress built in the 14th century. I remembered/recognized it because of a computer game we used to play about the one and only, Carmen Sandiego. So, "many thanks for the food, now off we go to Fort Jesus."

The past week has represented a large change in my life. I find myself with a lot of extra time on my hands, and I also find myself, in some ways, more relaxed, open, care free, talkative oftentimes, and yet lonely all the same. I've begun a whole new socially experimenting me. It's hard to explain, but especially today and yesterday, I've been returning to a forgotten zone of flirting (something I was never good at) and seeking out social situations. I must admit there is a level of excitement, mostly adventure, not knowing what will happen at any given moment, and despite this exhilaration, I can't quite say it "just what I wanted." We shall see though what I do with this newly re-found freedom.

Just Tonight

Today I love fruit
I love doing puzzles
I think I look hott with a tan
I don't like air-con

Today was a great day
I did homework
I took an easy test
I went to work

Tomorrow should be fun and exciting.
as a Friday it is entitled to such
Class gets over at noon
and the weekend party starts

Wisdom teeth and water polo

Most of us have seen or heard Brian Regan warning us to not ever tell a "two-wisdom tooth story" because we will always be one upped (or rather two upped ;-) by someone with a four wisdom tooth story (If you don't know what I'm talking about watch this:
Brian Regan on Wisdom Teeth

But you know, the people I really feel bad for aren't those with only a two wisdom tooth story, but those with only a cavity story. I mean really, how far can you get with the story, "This one time I went to the dentist-" right there you're dead, someone's going to jump in, "Oh that ain't nothing! This one time I was going to the oral surgeon..." and go on to tell his much more interesting, not-just-a-dentist story.

Moreover, I think this is somewhat of a metaphor for personality types. I know people that are simply 'just-the-dentists' people, and every story they tell isn't actually that cool, so at a dinner party they begin to tell a story, but everyone already knows that it's going to suck, so to save time they jump in over them with a different story, the person soon realizes they're not being listened to and usually quiets down. Of course I feel to bad for them that I just have to look at them and raise my eyebrows to pretend that I am waiting for them to continue, when really I am listening to the much more interesting story being told by the guy next to me. Can you imagine, "this one time we went rafting on Salem Pond-"
"Yeah, well I took a whitewater trip down the snake river!"
"I won a candy bar at a raffle-"
"This one time at a raffle, I won a car!"
"I saw some guys playing water polo-"
"I used to be on the water polo team, that's why I don't have a left ear!!"
"I once had to eat this gross soup my Asian roommate made-"
"I ate human blood!" ;-)

Some people just aren't cut out to tell stories, and I'm not dogging on those with cool-er stories. By all means tell your cool stories, they're worth hearing. My plea is to those without cool stories, do yourself and others a favor, by not looking quite so pitiful and left out and learning to enjoy listening. You know what they say:

.. don't wake me I plan on sleeping in....

It is currently 12:30 am. I am sitting in bed with my laptop, eating ice cream and not caring one lick that it's ridiculously late and I have classes tomorrow. I'm not even going to set an alarm for tomorrow, ha! how exciting.

This evening I went on a whim to watch a video production of the french musical, Le Roi de Soleil. It was an amazing production, despite me only understanding 10% of what was said. The costumes and sets were phenomenal, and the music and dancing was beautiful and intriguing. Despite being about 15th century france, it had a very modern feel that made all the boringness of a history story melt away and the excitement that it must have had (back when it actually happened) came through quite strongly. Something I would recommend, although having english subtitles may have proved useful.

Today I lined up an interview for the best job ever!! -oh hush, hush, I'm afraid we don't want anybody else taking the idea, so I can't talk about it.... it's a very top secret, very original theme... I mean job. Anyhow, I'm really excited, and I pray that this will go better than the other ten on-campus jobs I've applied too.

I've been in a bit of a spot as of late over my hair. I'm not usually one to obsess over how I look, but now and again my hair will throw me for a good one.. Today I had to comb it nice and I even put a little hairspray in to keep it there for my choir performance. After the performance though I noticed it in some side glances of semi-silvered windows about campus, and it was not looking good. It was neat, yes, but so plastered and lacking style or attitude. As the progressed some wind knocked it here and there, but really it stayed pretty much the same. Before my evening class I ran my fingers around it trying to bring back a more natural feel, but it just kept looking my mom had combed my hair that morning :-( (not that that's always a bad thing, but...) Anyhow, that is me today.