if you like it...

So I haven't posted in a long time. I've been pretty busy with life lately. Primarily school has been consuming my time. I have 8am classes everyday, so I try to get to bed early, and I get up and go and go go go all day long trying to finish everything. I've been doing pretty good thus far keeping up with all of my homework and understanding all of the material in my classes... except maybe Geology (which is where I sit now) I just asume that it's easy stuff, which it ends up being not so easy, hmm oh well.

Other than school I have had the exciting adventure of dating a beautiful girl in my ward, Stephanie. As you might have guessed by the included picture, we are now engaged, as of last tuesday. It has surely been a time investment dating her, spending many late nights talking and getting to know each other. One week ago I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. Some people say getting engaged is scary, some people say it can be stressful or hard... I think it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

School is now coming to an end, we only have 2 full weeks of school left and then it's on to spring, a wedding, and a summer (where Steph and I will just be working) and to me it sounds like one big adventure. "To live would be an awfully big adventure"

I can't help...

I'm posting today about nothing in particular. I wish I had more time to do everything. Yeah I'm sitting on campus wasting the next ten minutes writing this post, but I really don't have much else I could be doing right now. Some things take large blocks of time, like structural analysis work for example. One problem takes me about 30 min to complete, and half of that is just understanding the question. Therefore for me to start working on my structures homework right now, I'd get started and in 20 minutes I'd have to go to class and then later tonight I'd practically be starting over again thinking about what the problem is asking me to solve and how to do it. I could study for my stats test, but pretty much this first chapter has been so super easy that I'm not sure what there is to study. Finding averages is something I think I learned in like 5th grade. And so I will continue to sit here.

As of late I've been spending an extraordinarily large amount of time with a certain person, Stephanie. Pretty much if I'm not in class or sleeping (or when she's in class or sleeping) we're together. Its nice to have a constant companion like that, not one of force, but one I've chosen myself. In fact, to be honest, she's my girlfriend, and having not dated much it doesn't mean much when I say that I've never enjoyed being with someone as much as I do her, but I still say it. An interesting thought I had the other day was about some advice from my dad. He doesn't give me advice everyday, but the things he tells me are often very precise, measured, and direct advice for struggles I'm facing (and they're often accompanied by a general conference talk or BYU devotional that deals with the same subject). His dating advice has come to me in chunks over the years, and one of the most memorable sparked not by a talk or experience of his own, but by an Adam Sandler movie, '50 First Dates.' He has told me the message of making your [significant other] fall in love with you everyday is one of the best he has ever seen in a movie. As I pondered on that thought I realized that giving Steph a reason to fall in love with me every day is not something I've worked at yet... but that's because it's come naturally. Again, the limited time (two weeks of dating) may present a less than adequate knowledge, but I feel pretty optimistic for the future.

First things first: Football. I love BYU. I also love Max Hall and everything he stands for... for the most part. I don't hate EVERYthing about Utah, but for the most part. But seriously, whoever created these shirts... genius. I am very glad that BYU will be playing in the Las Vegas Bowl again, and I have good faith that we can beat Oregon State. I am also stoked for TCU vs. Boise State, Utah vs. Cal, 'Bama vs. Texas..... oh bowl season fills my soul with such joy.

Alright, secondly: dating. I know what you're thinking, I'm beating a dead horse, seriously though. I have recently performed a neat little social experiment from which I learned a great deal, and I wish to share. Now I say experiment meaning that I tried something that I had not previously done, not to say that I was doing it for 'pure science' or my heart wasn't in it. To claim such would be untruthful and unfair to the parties involved. I recently began to engage in a relationship and did so in a way that I have never done before (and I think most guys haven't). I met a girl, thought she was pretty tight, and wanted to get to know her better; I then had and took some chances to do so: took her on a date, hung out with her fairly often, and even had near daily chats on facebook (it's the daily part there that's important, not the facebook part). I made it quite obvious to her that I was interested with very little shying away or hiding that fact, not only she was aware of my interest, but surely her whole apartment (and half the ward as well). While there were those girls that I talked to about this, I never actually sought any advice from anyone, especially from her roommates, hoping to be able to make the correct decisions on my own. I tried to avoid the whole 'tell a friend so they tell a friend who tells a friend who lets her know that I like her' and went for a 'I'll tell her myself' kind of approach.

After several weeks of trying to take her on dates and getting to know her a fair amount, one evening I came straight out and told her, 'I kinda like you' after which I quickly corrected myself and said, "I like you.." and something about I'm interested in going on more dates with you and getting to know you a lot more... I don't think she was so surprised to know that as she was that I actually said it to her, but I suppose she accepted and expected my strangeness in the matter, saying that she wasn't necessarily opposed to the idea, but wasn't really sure, and wanted to just see where things went, giving it more time... something like that.

So here is my first mistake: I wasn't clear on what I wanted. It seems that she interpreted 'I like you' as 'I want to date you' which, although not wholly false, was not my intention at all. Do I blame her? No. It was my own fault in not being clear and now my 20/20 hindsight has allowed me to see that I was so unclear because at the time I didn't know what I wanted. Honestly our conversation never needed to be had, I was so caught up in the novelty of being honest and straightforward that I failed to realize or think through just what I was doing.

So a week goes by (Thanksgiving, we didn't see much of each other) and a couple of days later she initiates a walk, we talk, she says, "I just don't see it going anywhere..." and shoots me down in such manner. We talked a lot though, not discussing our relationship, but just talking (like I had wanted to do from the beginning) and very much agreed that we needed to still be friends (and just friends). So it ended... and then there were a couple of awkward days where I knew that I wasn't interested in her, but I didn't know if she understood that I had gotten over it that quickly. So I wanted to talk with her and be friends, but I didn't want her to think I hadn't gotten the hint and was still trying to pursue her, but being quite sick of DTR's with her I didn't want to have to go on another walk so I let it slide, had a couple awkward days, and now things are clearing up and we're friends again. life is good.

The final couple things I learned from this are about taking time, allowing things to happen a little more naturally, and of course knowing what you really want/think/feel before trying to tell others about it. I think that I tried to make something happen when things were perfectly content they way the were. It's like a huge container of water, it's hard to spill it if it's not full, but once it is full a good bump will spill it all over.... I don't know if that makes sense at all, but it does in my mind. Another point of interest is how in the first couple weeks of being interested in her I felt really annoying, like I was pestering her, and being nosy and such. I think I had this feeling that I had to get to know her quick, that I had to do all I could as soon as I could to develop a relationship etc. because if I didn't right away then she was going to find someone else, and start dating them. Perhaps for the first time in my life I felt competitive over a girl (yay for experimentation). I don't think that it was a positive influence on the outcome, so I'll try to maintain a much more open mind, and not be so set on my own agenda form the start. That's about it I suppose... this post is much too long.

emo day!

There comes a day in every young man's life that he just has to sit down and listen to some Dashboard Confessional... Today is that day (okay, so maybe one of the many of mine, but still). There's not one particular reason for my emo-ness today, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I keep meaning to write in here, but nothing I think about stays in my mind long enough to be transferred to type. Some of my thoughts recently though include:

-Fair-weather fans whom I hate. Not just those who leave a game with 5 minutes to go, but those who only cheer for winning teams in general, sure we have a national recognized football team, but what about our women's volleyball team or cross country, they rock too and deserve to be cheered for just as much.

-Hearing really awkward clips of conversations of random passerbys. Things like, "...pills and it's like drug use..." or "... buy a new baseball bat, come over to your house and beat you with it!"

-Dating... yes girls and their ever complex minds still intrigue me, as do my own reactions to them.

-Surprised at how much I didn't really miss my friends over the thanksgiving break, not that I don't love them, but I just enjoyed being with my family so much that I kinda forgot to think about my super awesome friends (who I believe were equally absorbed into their family activities).

and I've been thinking about myself a lot lately too. Thinking about how cool I am, about the cool stuff I've done lately, about the cool classes I'm taking or will be taking, about how arrogant I am and how obnoxious I must seem to others, how much I talk when I shouldn't and keep silent when I should talk, how I'm dirt poor, how life's quickly escalating complicatedness is by far a much larger foe than I could ever hope to defeat.... hence the emo. w00t.

yes, this is me playing frisbee on the beach ^_^

And this is an 'A' for Ako (tagalog for 'me') Awesome, Ace, and an all around nice guy ;-)

Dating vs. Hanging out

I held a facebook discussion recently. Please see the below note and ensuing comments.

Dating versus Hanging Out

the conclusion for me was basically this: communicate. If everyone is perfectly clear in all they say, and communicates what they truly mean then most problems would be solved.

Silence Resolves Nothing. hu.

Silence Resolves Nothing

I realized that this is somewhat of a dramatic blog, probably unnecessarily so. But I write when I'm emotional, and lame drama gets my blood pumping, sorry. I have a lot that I want to write right now, but I feel constrained 1) complaining never helped anything 2) I think that I need to maintain a higher level of fidelity in my relationships. Always venting to a computer helps your interpersonal skills zero, so I guess I'll have to force myself to talk to real people.

Lately I feel that my life has been a little too full of this melodrama that's been consuming me, but I am realizing that it is be cause I keep talking to other people, not involved, asking advice, getting opinions, formulating ideas and plans, but it doesn't help. The drama is still there. Hence the title of this post, "Silence resolves nothing" and as long as I don't talk to those actually involved with the situation then it will never change... *sigh* I'll have to suck it up and get on that now.

I actually just had a chance to talk with this person, but I didn't, and now I'm regretting it, but not sure if I really am.... oh gosh I'm weird. I'm actually considering not posting this, but then why would I have a blog to type, but not to post? I think not. :-D I'ma gonna sleep and work on this tomorrow now.

The Best Bad Day

Today could have been the worst day ever... it's 12:07 am, I just got home from campus, and I'm making Western Family Macaroni and Cheese for dinner. I recently spent 5.5 hours in one chair, staring at a computer screen, editing a horribly filmed movie.
Earlier in the day I had spent 2 other hours in the same chair, editing the same movie.
A girl of my dreams canceled our noon-date to the MOA (I love the MOA...)
I got a 69% on my religion test (that puts my testimony at about a C-)
I have a huge and rather hard test for my Electrical & Computer Engineering class tomorrow. Today I had no time to study for it.
I hate the library, not that it's a bad place, I just avoid going there to study. Today I spent half of my waking hours there... I think I want to cry, not even kidding.

Why wasn't today the worst day of my life?
I talked to the girl of my dreams (I know, call me a sap, but those ten minutes did make my day that much better)
I wasted an hour talking with an old friend... a good hour.
I got to talk about sailing for half an hour :-) I love sailing.
I got to iChat with my little sister K.com (she gave me some instructions on video editing)
I used Final Cut Pro on a MacPro ^_^
I am currently listening to the new Dashboard CD, eating Mac&Cheese, and talking with the ever beautiful Katherine Alice Affeltranger. w00t

I ended up with a 75% on that ECEn test, and our movie won 3 awards at our ward Oscar's night; best visual effects, best costume design, best actress, w00t

two princesses

One, two, princes kneel before you
(thats what I said, now)
Princes, princes who adore you
(just go ahead, now)

Have you ever had a choice to make, a choice between to good things, trying to accurately pick the 'best.' Choice A seems logical, convenient, and increasingly acceptable day by day. Choice B seems a little more difficult to attain, something that will force me to go out of my way and will probably take quite some time. It seems obvious, no? Go with choice A, the path of least resistance, right? However... I've had a nagging feeling that I really should choose B, a thought that's been in the back of my mind since..... February? It's kind of hard to ignore, but it's almost harder to follow it!!

My final reasoning is that I cannot every be satisfied with anything until I have done B, whether it works out or not. Assuming that A is in fact the 'best' answer I can only prove that by first choosing B. B must be carried through, hopefully I have the courage to do it.

thanks for reading <3

Photons

I didn't cry when my I found out my grandpa died (though I did at the funeral).
I didn't cry when my first 'love' broke up with me (though I wanted to).
I didn't cry when I got fired from the best job ever.
I didn't cry when my girlfriend of five months broke up with me.

I did cry after seeing my best friend for the first time in a year.

Over this past year he's led a life that I don't agree with, a lifestyle that he actually begun about four years ago. He turned 23 this week, making it four years since he turned 19 and decided not to go on a mission, about a year later he turned 20, and turned gay. A bounce house of events moved him from SUU to UVU, back home to Elk Ridge, and finally up to UofU. I saw him a year ago when I first came back down to Utah for school, and hadn't seen him since though we have continued to acknowledge each others existence through facebook, commenting on statuses and pictures and the like.

Yesterday, I went up to Salt Lake (Sugarhouse to be exact) and visited him at his work (Olive Garden). I went at a slow hour so he has plenty of time to talk with me, we talked about school, classes, majors, how different life is now than in high school. We didn't really talk about anything super important, but we talked, and that is what I feel was important. Another old friend of ours works there at the same place, she gave me dinner and cheese cake for free (I will forever love you Loni for that), and I left. I got in the car, started driving home, thinking about how much I fun I'd just had and within six blocks I was crying. I honestly don't know why. I suppose it was partly because I was so happy to have seen them, partly because I was again remembering my great love for them, and perhaps partly I was sad that we weren't better friends.

I want to let it be know that I do not find fault in him, I do not feel betrayed or that he is a bad person. Simply stated, my own beliefs in the gospel of Jesus Christ tell me that the decisions he has made are not the ones that will bring greatest happiness, but I do not expect anyone else to live their life by what I believe, they would then be living my life, and that would just be weird, I believe in agency .... more on that subject: next post.

simple pleasures

Yesterday and today I have been volunteering as a Y-Group Leader for Freshmen Orientation at BYU. It has been so much fun, but also very draining! My partner in leading is a cute girl that happened to also be in my math class last semester, it's been really fun to hang out with her, meet a bunch of freshmen, and walk around campus a bunch sharing knowledge. I just woke up from a 2.5 hour nap, and I am so happy. I get to go hang out with Megan again tonight, it's raining outside, and I am going to play starcraft, this day can't get much better ;-)

{0}

That is the mathematical symbology used to denote 'the empty set,' not zero, but a set of numbers containing no numbers... It's kind of an interesting concept, in linear algebra vector spaces you can actually prove that 'zero' times a number isn't zero (assuming that 'zero' to be the empty set). I've grown a strange fondness to mathematical theory this semester, something I never imagined I would do, but I have this professor this semester that has really sparked my mind. I don't always know why, but I often find myself deeply involved in his lectures... good stuff. Anyhow, the point of this was not math, but actually dating.

The empty set is what my mind is... or rather it's entirely full of everything and anything and it all cancels out to nothing. It's like infinity minus infinity, it seems like it should be zero, but technically I think it's undefined. Today could have, should have been a lovely resolution to my current dating predicament. In many ways it was, I spent a number of hours with a certain special female and she agreed to date me again. It was not long after we were later separated and I began to think and to realize how unsure I was of our relationship. As the night progressed my head became filled with doubts, second guesses, and along with it sorrow. Once I got home I turned on some music, talked with some friends, and tried to clear my head, and began to laugh at myself for having such doubting feelings. Just a couple of days ago I would have lightly chided this girl for having similar doubts, and now that she was sure, I was the one feeling so insecure. What happened!?!? Truth be told, I don't know... perhaps it's just the hibee-geebies getting me down, but I'll sleep on it and see what works out.

So usually in these posts I like to talk about life, philosophize or bring up interesting subjects. Today however my mind is simply blank, and I really want to write down my feelings... hence {0}.

The Troublesome Duo

Trials and Blessings....

Two occurrences in life that come too close too often. Example: I get a huge tax return, day later, I get a speeding ticket.... I have a great time performing in dancesport with my super awesome girlfriend, day later, we break up.... point proven. Life really isn't fair, although I think this evens it out a little more. Think of it, those in more unfortunate circumstances sure don't experience quite so much heart break since they're dealing with where's my next meal, and not who's my next date. So in the end I'll try not to complain, but if you don't mind, let me paraphrase one of my favorite bands in saying, "It's giving me hell." Although blessing: I was able to sleep last night :-) and I'm not terribly ill today, just a little on edge. Also I had wicked cool dream where we were plaing soccer and I scored the winning goal... that was random considering I don't really play soccer at all. It was a pretty amazing shot too, although the game wasn't super intense so the defence was lacking at the moment and I had a nice shot and I curved it right into the corner, wow!

I am very baffled over life at this time. Part of me wants to wait patiently while it heals, and another part of me wants to tear it apart 'til it bleeds itself out. I'm scared and trying to be courageous, but the truth is I'm terrified. Most of life I can deal with, most of life's problems I get over pretty quickly, I deal with things and they go away, but I don't know if this is going to just go away....

.... Actually I think it will. Luckily I have great friends, and lots of help in life. I am beginning to remember that life is only what you make of it, and I am going to make this fun... or at least not not fun. I could be miserable and hate life, but that's just silly and I'm ready to have the best life ever. So brighten up sunshiny day! Watch out mr. raincloud, I have no time for you! It's my time now. I'm gonna take those many blessings and let them trump this trial.

What happens in Vegas....

So I just spent like five days in Vegas.  I've heard people say that Vegas is a three day kind of town.  It you stay for less than three days you won't get the real feel of it, but if you stay for more than three days you're likely to end up in more trouble than you set out for....  I'd probably have to agree.  Truthfully I didn't get into any traditional 'trouble' like someone would suppose when it comes to Vegas, but I certainly got a lot more out of this trip than I was ever expecting.  Being with my friends and hanging out all day everyday was awesome.  I really do have some of the best friends ever!  My old roommate was getting married (the reason for the trip) so it made quite a special time for us all, and I LOVED going to the sealing, it was beautiful.  The only thing that rivaled the excellence of the temple was the day before and after where I got to enjoy some time with a girl I met in my ward this past semester.  Her name is Lyndsi and she's a native of the Las Vegas area so we picked her up from home and had her along for some of our activities.  My roommate, Reece was pretty happy about that, he's been trying to get me to hook up with a girl all semester.  I guess he got his wish because all that time with Lyndsi seemed to end with us being pretty much together.  It was certainly the last thing I was expecting from this trip, but I can't complain.  I guess in the back of my mind it is what I wanted all along.  YAY!   She is a really awesome girl, I'm super excited to get to know her better next semester.  (that's the biggest problem with the situation, just as we began to really want to spend time together we have to be separated).  Anyhow... I'm excited for life, and for skiing this break.  All in all, I am so thankful for all that has happened in the past week or so :D

Life has an interesting way of making things happen. Isn't it funny that no matter how much we dream otherwise, time never stops, days don't slow down, and every perfect situation that we could ever dream of *doesn't* happen. It's funny how one small event can change the course of your week. I don't really like to tell stories that aren't over yet, but there is this one... and it's hecka funny thus far. I met this girl, I thought she was pretty cute... ok, who am I kidding, I thought she was gorgeous! and as such, I was totally freaked out to even talk to her. One evening at a ward gathering we randomly end up talking with each other (yay!) and I met her sister, who's not quite as beautiful, but still an awesome girl. They tell me that 'sure, we should hang out sometime' and the very next day I get a call and hopefully would've done something with them... but timing didn't work out, so we didn't. Then it was thanksgiving and the day after I have a chance to see them again, going on a hike. However the older, more attractive sister doesn't come and I end up on a date (pretty much) with the younger sister.... dag. I can't say I didn't enjoy the hike, I did, it was awesome, but it just didn't work out the way I would have planned it. That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, "I saw that going differently in my mind." (Hitch) pretty much the story of my life. Solution, stop thinking.

The German Roller Coaster Ride

Okay, first off, if anyone can name the movie from whence I stole this title, I love you (hint: I replaced 'Hawaiian' for 'German')

So I decided I need a blog, but I'm to lazy to actually start one since I don't currently have a personal computer and I know that if I were to start it now, I'd probably stop being up dated within a couple of weeks, if not days. But I do like the opportunity to sit here and write nonsense about life, with or without the hope that anyone may or may not read this.... (captain ambiguity strikes again!)

So as far as this roller coaster goes, it was more like bungee jumping, or actually, better yet, paddle ball. you know when you have the rubber ball on the elastic string and you bounce it off the paddle.... I've had a couple of days the felt like that. First it was absolutely amazing and wonderful, then it was crappy, then it was totally awesome, then I had this really great plan that started falling apart, and as I pieced it back together and started to be happy with the piecing... it was destroyed again. Upon trying to reassemble, it was reconstructed quite differently, but turned out quite nice. Of course during the execution of the plan there were some ups and down, ending on a really deep low, an insanely ridiculous high, and then me laughing, by myself, at nothing in particular, just laughing, for at least a minute, then I nearly cried. As I wandered from my car (which was parked at the furthest end of the parking lot, away from my apartment) I wondered and prayed and could've cried, but I gave up on thinking and went to sleep.

The next day started pretty flat, but later turned up and down like crazy again. First being stressfully strained to a worrisome cringe, then exuberantly exploding with joy. Shortly thereafter that leveled off again, dropped out the bottom and floated back up to goodness land. My feelings of happiness then took about five hours to slowly, slowly wear down till I was quite depressed, and yet again surprised that I could have so many feelings. In the end some chocolate milk and a phone call to one of the most amazing people I know saved me enough to live on.

So this may perhaps be the most random and meaningless note ever written, and that's probably true. But it feels good to write.

All this roller coaster goodness is now quite beyond me now... It's like when you're at Knots Berry Farm ridding the Boomerang. It's a wicked crazy twisting ride that takes like ten seconds... then as you come to rest, you go through it all again backwards, which of course prepares you quite well to spill your guts. Assuming you're still alive, you walk away feeling better and better every second. You look back and say, heck, I'd do that again! forgetting the intense nausea that nearly killed you. And as they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's why we can look back and be glad it happened.

So to end, I'll offer another 'mikes heart' to anyone who can get this quote "...drops us like a new born giraffe...' (*descending whistling sound, ending in a lip/tounge pftpthppttsphphpstb*). (for those of you who know the movie "Hook," that's where the sound comes from (bangarang Rufio) but the quote is something else) :D