being alone

"I remember when I used to think I liked being alone, but lately being alone is just.... lonely." I felt that way today, and I posted such on my facebook status. I hope people won't take it as a sob story or anything, because I think it's more of a shift in state of mind. Right now I feel lonely, something I've felt fairly often this past week, and especially this weekend. It was finals, people were busy studying and taking tests, others were headed home as soon as possible, my roommate and best friend recently acquired a girl friend (and spend all his time with her, not me), other people had family gatherings and the like, but the bottom line for me was, I didn't. I studied a little, hung out with some friends from time to time, but I also did a lot of nothing. Countless hours playing Star Wars Battlefront:2 and significantly less hours taking tests created many times where I was alone.

Being alone is great, you can think clearly, you can relax. I love just listening to background noises, especially out in nature, the whisper of the wind, rustle of leaves, and enjoying having nothing around. In high school I also used to love watching everything around me. Just sitting quietly on a bench, listening to my friends talk to each other, so despite being with them I was often alone in my own world.

This weekend I'm housesitting at my aunts house while they're in CA for the holiday break. I was somewhat anxious to leave my friends in Provo and head down here so I left our little game night early and got here around 9:30. I started doing my wash and watched some ESPN... then I realized how lonely I was.

I love being with people, in some ways I've noticed it's like a drug to me. When I'm with lots of people talking and having a good time I get excited, I talk a lot, I get way into things and become overly dramatic about a lot of random stuff. Mostly I just smile a lot and laugh, laughing and smiling until my cheeks and stomach hurt. I have a few select people that I really love being with, and I LOVE to be really mean to them. I know sounds crazy, but that's what I do, I make ridiculously sarcastic and mean comments to all of my closest friends, which other people laugh or are shocked at, but those involved know how much I actually love them.

For the past while I've been feeling more and more distant from my friends, even when we're together I often feel alone... kind of like I'm going back to high school and I'm just observing them. I feel there are a number of very intertwined reasons for this, but I'm not going to discuss that now. For now it is late, and I am going to sleep in this big, dark, empty house.