Several Ways to Die Trying

"When you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all..."
"The artist these days are not who you think they are,"
"...'cause I'm scared of myself again."

Just what are you? Just who am I? What am I tring to be, myself? is anyone ever truly tring to be themselves? who are they and how do they find themselves? I don't claim to entirely be myself, and I'm not saying that no one can be theirselves, but I just like to wonder just who exactly is 'yourself?' I believe that the society that we live in has such a great influence on our attitudes, minds, perceptions, and actions that almost nobody can truly be something not part of it. Even those who are trying to be different, rebel against the norm and be a punk, they too are molded by the society we live in: whatever we are they aren't... So if what they thought was cool became a norm in society would they stop doing it...? Doesn't society then have a sway over what they do just as much as anyone else? maybe not....

I once heard a very interesting quote about self-esteem or self image. This is in relation to what has the greatest influence on our actions/attitudes: "It's not important what you think of yourself, or even what others think of you, but what matters most is what you think other people think of you." How about that? Isn't it true though? You may have great thoughts about yourself, but what if others don't? you don't know that, but you sure might worry about it a lot. Perhaps we're all stuck trying to live the expectations that we expect others to give us........ but I guess in that way we are basing our actions off our own perception of what the norm is, therefore doing what we want, or what we think we want... or want to think.

Enter one of my favorite pasttimes: people-watching. I was at a concert the other night full of emo punks and hotshot rocksters, and it was interesting to think about who they really were or who they were tyring to be. A lot can be ready from a persons clothing, speech, and actions. Then as you observe thier age and supposed social status it begins to paint a picture in your head of who they might think they are. I'm not supposing to be all knowing, nor do I pass judgement on these people, just simple observations that I do believe to be generally true, if not for all cases.
Another hobbie of mine is reading the readers fourum in our campus newspaper. Some people have some crazy opinions. They are often very ridiculous filing thier opinions with extreme biases and generalizations. I once again wonder, what are they trying to be? Are they like this in 'normal' life or is this something they only woud say on paper. Some kid criticized the paper for running an article on getting into fall fashions saying that it was worldly and encouraged people to buy immodest clothing, thence becomming immoral people.... WHAT!?!? I think he just isn't in style and therefore was jelous of those who have even a slight sense of what looks good.

In the end I guess I want to say that I don't necissarily claim to be entirely who I am either. I know a lot of what I want and don't want, but I'll be the first to admit that I am very much in flux, chaning daily. I do think it's interesting how 'finding ourselves' pops up often in our society, especially at this time in my life, college students are bombareded with choices and chances. I do though, love love love the Dashboard Confessional song "Several Ways to Die Trying" about trying to be 'normal.' http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dashboardconfessional/severalwaystodietrying.html

OK... so this all stemed from some Panic! at the Disco Lyrics. They have some crazy weird meanings in their songs, and it's interesting for me to know that the lead singer grew up mormon, but is no longer. The song, "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" is about "how kids today are being raised under high expectations that create pressure and make them uptight" (a good interepretation). Because of my own gospel centered point of view I do know who I am, I'm not weighed down by worldy expectations, but only that which I have learned to be of real importance. Meaning those things pertaining to eternal salvation. The gospel is the aswer to the question I have posed in this post. Just who are we, and what are we doing here? We are children of God, he loves us and we are here to prove ourselves and someday return to Him.

No coherence

So I really want to write today, but I don't have any specific thing to write about. I guess a lot is happening and there's a million things I want to say, but couldn't have time for half of them to be said. Last night I talked on the phone with an old friend for nearly three hours... which I guess in comparison to some isn't that long, but for me it was a pretty long phone conversation. The weather lately has been so cold it's strange, this morning I scraped ice off my car. I drove to campus this morning, I never drive. I've been eating candy all day, I've only had oatmeal and a burrito other than skittles, starburst, and smarties. I played Wii for four hours today, most of that just happened between Chris and I, we rocked some super-smash butt. I did two CE 203 practice tests today, but I still feel inadequate for the test tomorrow. My day tomorrow is going to be so busy. I love this last weekend, we didn't do anything. We played Starcraft for many many hours (including 'till 3am saturday). I went to an awesome freezing cold football game. I got a free beanie and wore my free shirt. I love the BYU Cougars.., and Max Hall. I didn't really enjoy church. I did like our sunday-school lesson though. I didn't ride my bike all weekend. I saw a movie last thursday, I loved it! I nearly fell asleep in class today. I actually started sweating during dance class (go cha-cha!). I didn't finish today's crossword puzzle. I am slightly tired. We didn't have FHE tonight :( I have homework to do. ...

Happieness is.....

So perhaps I should just make a new blogg, "How the Gospel Relates to EVERYTHING" because I'm about to talk about it again...
Fixing your bike is like repentance. So true. A couple weeks ago I had one of the saddest days ever. A number of unhappy little things went on, but in the end the worst part was when I left class and got my bike to go home, I had a flat tire :-( Ultra sad. Walking my bike all the way home was exceptionally sorrowful, but naturally life went on. It took me about a week until I had the time to fix it, so it was somewhat of a dark and sad life for that time, but then on the day when I finally had the time and went out and fixed it I was SOOO happy. It was like a complete reversal of my feelings from the previous week. This of course reminded me of Alma, “that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.” That’s kind of how I feel about my bike being broken… and then fixed, what a lovely gospel adventure.

Choices

There are some things in life that rarely change. I know that for most of my growing up life we had this certain brown-ish, boxy couch. It was somewhat of a staple of growing up in the Murray home. Also our TV, it’s been the same since… almost as long as I can remember, perhaps since I was five or six. You can almost always expect household chores to be underway on any given Saturday morning. One thing that I can always remember is a certain bowl in our kitchen. Ever since I was young it’s always been there, and it’s always been full of fruit. Often times it would hold apples, sometimes peaches or pears, apricots or bananas, even plums and oranges could be found therein, but it always had fruit. Sadly enough, I don’t think I ate all that much fruit when I was growing up… probably not as much as my mother would have liked, but this fruit bowl was always out in the kitchen, sometimes set as a centerpiece on the dining room table, but it was always around.

I think perhaps my mother was trying to get across to us an idea with this. She was offering us fruit, not forcing us to eat it, but just had it there as a permanent offering that would could at anytime eat if we so choose. Perhaps had I been slightly more keen on eating fruit I would have done so, but at least I had the choice, and I know that my mother isn’t upset that I didn’t eat much, she was just happy to have offered it. It’s sort of like in Alma when he tells his son, "whosoever will come may come and partake of the waters of life freely; and whosoever will not come the same is not compelled to come;” it’s as simple as that.

Album Artwork

I really love album covers. For some reason I feel a very special deep connection to a band or an album when I can have some kind of connection to the artwork on the cover. I guess there are some where I first like the music, then the cover reminds me of that great music. Then there are others that just seem to have a great deal of meanig in their pictures. Most of them are pretty stinkin' random though... and I think thats what I like most about them. The have no real meaning, just kind of a funny story. So here I would like to place before you several of my favorte album covers. (Most of these I know and like because I actually own that CD... although not all.)

A new favorite

Funny story, my grandmother often says the world favorite giving emphasis to the 'a' but pronouncing the 'i' as 'eye' not 'eh' like it usually is... when we were kids we thought that was the right way say it. :D

So yesterday I stumbled across an amazing song... it's funny 'cause I'm not entirely sure just where it came from, but I think Pandora played it for me. It's by Snow Patrol, which I've heard a lot of, my sister has a CD or two of theirs I think, but I ever really gave it too much notice. Yesterday however when I was idly trying to write a seven page paper I was listening to some background music and all of a sudden what I heard caught my attention. I listened even more carefully for a moment and it was amazing! It was a most amazing and beautiful song, and I loved it!! I haven't had a new favorite song for a long time so this was kind of a big moment for me. Hearing this song made me do a little reading on the Snow Patrol which I thoroughly enjoyed, and it gave me a nice little break from my homework.

Naturally after this the song was stuck in my head, but that's okay because I do love it. Then this morning it was like an addiction, I HAD to hear the song... so I listened to it like four times in the past hour... I love it! Having a new favorite song is for sure an important thing, and I feel it give me a solid step in the 'adjusting' to normal life that everyone keeps asking me about.


I love music.