{0}

That is the mathematical symbology used to denote 'the empty set,' not zero, but a set of numbers containing no numbers... It's kind of an interesting concept, in linear algebra vector spaces you can actually prove that 'zero' times a number isn't zero (assuming that 'zero' to be the empty set). I've grown a strange fondness to mathematical theory this semester, something I never imagined I would do, but I have this professor this semester that has really sparked my mind. I don't always know why, but I often find myself deeply involved in his lectures... good stuff. Anyhow, the point of this was not math, but actually dating.

The empty set is what my mind is... or rather it's entirely full of everything and anything and it all cancels out to nothing. It's like infinity minus infinity, it seems like it should be zero, but technically I think it's undefined. Today could have, should have been a lovely resolution to my current dating predicament. In many ways it was, I spent a number of hours with a certain special female and she agreed to date me again. It was not long after we were later separated and I began to think and to realize how unsure I was of our relationship. As the night progressed my head became filled with doubts, second guesses, and along with it sorrow. Once I got home I turned on some music, talked with some friends, and tried to clear my head, and began to laugh at myself for having such doubting feelings. Just a couple of days ago I would have lightly chided this girl for having similar doubts, and now that she was sure, I was the one feeling so insecure. What happened!?!? Truth be told, I don't know... perhaps it's just the hibee-geebies getting me down, but I'll sleep on it and see what works out.

So usually in these posts I like to talk about life, philosophize or bring up interesting subjects. Today however my mind is simply blank, and I really want to write down my feelings... hence {0}.

The Dream Maker's Gonna Make You Mad...

Interesting how frustrating life can be. With or without outside influences, our lives can become full of frustration, guilt, and anger, why? because of the dream maker. Who is that? Why, it's you! It can be so easy to become frustrated with things beyond our control, yet it is only ourselves and our over obsessive perfectionism that drives us to such anger and frustration. If we could just truly understand that those things aren't in our control then life could be so much more simple.

Today has been an extraordinarily tough day. What do I mean by tough? I mean it is becoming physically difficult for me to continue living. Each time I leave the house, begin a conversation, make a decision, it takes the greater part of my concentrated effort and stamina to do so. I am making me mad today. I am having so much trouble getting out of my own little head and it's bringing me down. There's been to many times today that instead of going on I was so close to just giving up, breaking down and crying... I have a friend who once described a similar situation where, "you just want to cry but can't because you have life to do." that's kind of how I feel today... but I know the sun will come out tomorrow, because the Storm Maker said it ain't so bad, and I know that He is right. I also know that this time is so necessary to my progression, it is simply taking so much from me to do all that I need to do (which is also part of it, since that fatigues helps create humility, which humility is needed to allow sufficient change).

Tomorrow will be better.

The Troublesome Duo

Trials and Blessings....

Two occurrences in life that come too close too often. Example: I get a huge tax return, day later, I get a speeding ticket.... I have a great time performing in dancesport with my super awesome girlfriend, day later, we break up.... point proven. Life really isn't fair, although I think this evens it out a little more. Think of it, those in more unfortunate circumstances sure don't experience quite so much heart break since they're dealing with where's my next meal, and not who's my next date. So in the end I'll try not to complain, but if you don't mind, let me paraphrase one of my favorite bands in saying, "It's giving me hell." Although blessing: I was able to sleep last night :-) and I'm not terribly ill today, just a little on edge. Also I had wicked cool dream where we were plaing soccer and I scored the winning goal... that was random considering I don't really play soccer at all. It was a pretty amazing shot too, although the game wasn't super intense so the defence was lacking at the moment and I had a nice shot and I curved it right into the corner, wow!

I am very baffled over life at this time. Part of me wants to wait patiently while it heals, and another part of me wants to tear it apart 'til it bleeds itself out. I'm scared and trying to be courageous, but the truth is I'm terrified. Most of life I can deal with, most of life's problems I get over pretty quickly, I deal with things and they go away, but I don't know if this is going to just go away....

.... Actually I think it will. Luckily I have great friends, and lots of help in life. I am beginning to remember that life is only what you make of it, and I am going to make this fun... or at least not not fun. I could be miserable and hate life, but that's just silly and I'm ready to have the best life ever. So brighten up sunshiny day! Watch out mr. raincloud, I have no time for you! It's my time now. I'm gonna take those many blessings and let them trump this trial.

Confused at the grace...

I attended a focus group today studying the marketing campaigns of a certain charity group, "Guatemala Children's Project". It is an interesting project taking kids off the streets, out of bad homes, and out of bad orphanages and placing them into a better orphanage with the goal of finding and rehabilitating their original family (they have programs to teach parents conflict resolution) and put them back into their original (but rebuilt) family. It seemed like a nice project. One of the key weaknesses of their marketing was illustrating the importance of saving these children and the magnitude of the problem with homeless and/or orphaned children in Guatemala. Little known fact, Guatemala ranks among the top in the world for child trafficking (children being sold both to foreign adoption agencies and into worse places than an orphanage), and actually it was said that it ranks second only to China in number of children (not percentage, but number, the population difference should give you an idea of the magnitude of this problem). Needless to say, there is a problem and this program honestly is trying to fix it.

Now as I left the focus group I hurried my way across to my New Testament class and we sung the opening hymn, "I Stand All Amazed." I felt quite amazed as I thought on all that I had just heard about these children in guatemala (not only them but people all across the world who live in poverty and problematic socioeconomic situations) and I thought, "gosh dang... i am blessed. How ever did I get to be so blessed." I mean really, here I sit with my $1,000 laptop, accessing the world through the wireless offered by a large university where I study to gain a first rate education so I can make a difference in the world (and also make money to support my family). It's cold outside but I have a nice sweater, good socks, a warm home to return to.... Maybe life isn't really fair, but I guess that gives me all more reason to do what I can to help out. Someday I hope to really make a difference, I don't know how, but I want to really make a real difference.

Life

Life is unfairly good. Well I still have troubles, and hard times, but for the most part things are going well. I enjoyed a day off of I do have a MASSIVE linear algebra test that I need to take either within the next two hours or on Monday (still undecided...) but I'm doing swell in all other accounts. Hopefully I don't sound too prideful, but I'm just gonna 'count my blessings a little'
-I have a job
-I spent a day in heaven this week
-I have a car
-I'm not failing my classes
-My roommates are my friends
-There is a lack of conflict in my life
and more.... but that's all for now

... and He was right

So as an update from my last post, it all turned out okay. It took some time to figure things out (well only about four days) and I once again felt secure, comfortable, and happy in life. Life for a couple days was quite horrible, and I stayed in my cloud of oblivion until it let up. These were some of the most meaningful days I've experienced lately, learning a lot about myself, what I can do, what I can't. "It's times like these you learn to live again" -Foo Fighters

YAY